Awkwardness seeps through my pores

I am not the most uhm.... social person on the planet. I've considered myself anti-social for a long time. I don't go out with friends and make such fantastic memories that I'll never forget them because I don't get out much. I mean sure I could if I wanted to but... I'm not gifted socially. In fact if you had to sum up my existence in one word it would be "Awkward" because that is what you're going to feel whenever you have a social encounter with me. At times it will be so overwhelmingly awkward that it will sting slightly in the pit of your stomach as you try desperately to find an escape from me. Now that I've moved to a new school I have felt awkward all day, every day. Even in pictures I've seen I have a pained expression on my face. I've loosened up a bit though, I don't even want to know what I was like the first 2 weeks. Now we're into week four and I've had a few more encounters that I wish I could take back. Just in the past week: A kid said "hi" to me, and I gave a smile in acknowledgment and apparently that was not sufficient because he said "Fine, don't say anything back" at which point I began mumbling trying to recover telling him that the smile should have been enough for him but then he said things back that I couldn't hear so I kind of ignored the fact that he was speaking to me an returned to my desk. I was half-tempted to write an apology note...
Second oops: Today in French class I was conversing with my cousin and her adorable friend and we were having a nice conversation in my opinion, things went more smoothly than they typically go for me. Maybe once I warm up to everyone I'll be more flow-y with my banter, but for now I'll take choppy with a few silences as a success.So anyways, I was happy with that conversation, then 2 hours later I saw my cousins friend again and she said "Hello Ashley! what's up?" and she was walking away from me, so I didn't know what to do with that situation. I had to think quick. I knew I wanted to throw in "Hi! not much" but then for a second or two I thought "Would it be rude if I didn't ask how she was?!? she might think that I don't care about her. How am I supposed to make friends when people think I don't care about them?!?" so when she's like 10 feet away in the library I'm like "h-h-how are you?" and she's like "uhmm... good" as she tried to make it flow well. I appreciate her effort, she handled that situation very well.

So to those who have ever had to deal with me and my awkwardness, I really am sorry. I mean I love you guys and all and me being awkward isn't because I don't like you. It is because I am socially retarded. I don't know how to respond to you when you tell me stories, I don't know what to tell you when you say you look fat, I don't know how to smoothly transition from one topic to the next. Example:
Innocent Acquaintance: Hey Ashley, what's up?
Me: Not much. I'm just tired
Innocent Acquaintance: Oh, me too. And last night I ate a bunch of cake so I feel fat.
Me: I'm sorry.... I like cheese. Preferably sharp cheddar
Innocent acquaintance: That was really random
Me: Oh... The weather is nice today
Innocent Acquaintace: Its raining.
Me: I have to go to *mumbles* to *mumbles*
Innocent Acquaintance: Do you want me to come with
Me: uhm.... no.

Yea. That's not an actual situation but that's how it would play out, more than likely. If anybody has a "Casual banter in America for Dummies" book, I would love to borrow your copy. I would study it inside and out. Or one of those create-your-own-adventure style conversational guides, I would keep it with me at all times so eventually I could come back with responses that flow. I could never rap. I'm sure if I had a conversation with a rapper I would feel very comfortable because they would take care of me, they could sit back and do the work while I casually threw in a response or two because they craft things to perfection. Whereas me, I'm going to write down a quick rhyme that comes to my head

I like trees
that look like these
and baby pees
I meant bees
and there was a bee
in the class you see
it almost stung me
and then i was hungry
and i ate a bagel.