Accident Prone

As a small child, with nothing on my mind but entertaining myself, I had on many occasions made poor life-decisions. I will have illustrations to accompany my stories to entertain those of you who secretly miss when your books didn't make you paint a picture in your mind. There was just one there and you didn't have to stop and be like "Ahh Jesus, that's a shit-ton of adjectives and I don't feel like picturing each and every thing in my damn mind so I'm just going to make up my own shit and hope it works." But usually in that scenario a movie comes out using that story as a base and everything you'd imagined is completely wrong and you get pissed off because it's better in your mind and you should write these stories because you know what you fucking want and the author and director have come together to ruin your EFFING DAY! Edward? You were supposed to be a GODDAMN EMO KID. But then I started hating Twilight so all is well in Ashleyville..... As I was saying....
Poor life decisions, I've made many but these two really deserve a prize.


My scoot scoot
I had this small little mode of transportation that I called a scoot-scoot. This was a green little worm-like thing that was kinda like a giant "U". Well I was pretending that I was in a horse-race in my kitchen and I was going back and forth like a fucking champion! I was like "AND ASHLEY ON SCOOT SCOOT ROUND THE CORNER AND THERE'S A VICTORY YESSS! WINN! SUCCESS!" However one of the times I got a bit too excited and scooted a bit too hard, hit some chairs, and came crashing down on my effing chair that for some reason had a decorative SPIKE. I know that whenever I design kitchen furniture I think "Huh, one thing that would look really nice on the leg of this chair would be a spike because not only is that kid-friendly but it says "We're loving people who want to invite you into our warm homes to eat pie and sit on our medieval torture devices.""   I was bleeding from the side of my eye and even now my crazy ass face scar is still there, which is super attractive. It's like a large indent and then a smaller on next to it right below my eyebrow.

Yes, I was brought to the hospital where I received stitches and I believe my auntie lynn brought me a popsicle. or maybe she brought me one after the next spectacular move I pulled like a freaking winner.



The reason my lip doesn't have a connector to my gums.

I had one of those big pillows that was in the shape of a raccoon, exciting huh? Yes that's what I thought. You know what else I thought would be exciting? Sliding across a floor on that pillow like I was surfing, because the pillow was smooth and the kitchen floor was smooth so this little journey would be just as smooth. This little douchebag move of mine made me feel like a dumbass. Here's why: This did not run smoothly, no it did not. What ended up happening was I slid off the front of the pillow, smashed my face into the kitchen floor, and busted my lip open. I remember the sight, it was.... horrifying.

The people at the hospital asked my mother questions because it had looked like I had been violently beaten. Truth is I am just a retard and make really poor life decisions. But of course how is the hospital supposed to know when I'm in hysterics and bleeding from my face. Who believes I injured myself with a pillow? Who thinks that somebody is stupid enough to do that? Which probably made them question the face on chair story. Sorry mom for that....