I am not a hip person, although young, I lack an "awesome" factor. Therefore I had only been to Chipotle once before this past Sunday. At Chipotle I recall ordering fairly harmless tacos, that didn't make me think they wanted to eat my soul and all. This time around, I thought I would be daring and try a burrito. That was the biggest mistake of my life.
1- I get up to the counter and my mom had told the man I wanted a burrito (yes, I still require the assistance from my mother when ordering from fancy eating establishments). I was actually quite shocked that he heard over the BLARING music. So he throws down a beastly tortilla. Okay, maybe he's going to cut my burrito wrap out of that intimidating piece of flour. He didn't.
2- I was sent down the line to another person who worked at Chipotle and they asked me what I wanted on my burrito. How was I supposed to know what anything tasted like so I spouted off the first things I saw on the menu that looked pronounceable. "Black beans, chicken, rice, guacamole, cheese, sour cream". For those of you who have never been to chipotle, they take giant beating spoons from the 1800s and use them to put the ingredients in your Scarrito. (That means scary burrito in Ashleyism) and they managed to fit the heaping pile of various whatnot's into the burrito without an explosion.
3- I take my burrito back to my table and prepared myself with plenty of pop to fall back on in case one of my ingredients became too much for me to handle. The burrito was surrounded in a layer of tin foil that, for some reason, did not register in my head as being something to assist me in the conquest of this particular food item. I opened it, couldn't think of a plan for attack, so just decided to go in for the kill. I was not successful. The burrito started tearing, too much tortilla came off, there was an overflow, and there was no protruding corner for me to easily take a bite off of it.
4- I was upset, my mother then filled me in on the fact that the tin foil was there to keep the burrito in check. You see, that makes a lot of sense, yet at the time I was slightly upset by the suggestion. I am capable of eating by myself mom, I'm 16. Apparently I am not capable of such things because even with the foil surrounding the burrito that I wanted in my tummy more than anything, the fact that I had torn off a large chunk of tortilla was irreversible. Inside the tin foil I would have to use my tongue to spoon out the rice, beans, and meat. If I rolled the tin foil down, the contents would spill onto the table.
5- I walked quietly over to the area where you would get a pop refill, got myself more coke because stress had caused me to consume my entire glass, and grabbed a beautiful transparent eating utensil. I made a bowl shape with the tin foil, used my fork to deliver the food to my mouth that did not have a protective layer of tortilla, and when I'd eaten a decent amount, rolled up the last of the tortilla around the last of the insides, and I finished a chipotle burrito.
I dropped to my knees, threw my hands above my head, and tossed my noggin back. I had done it. I had proven to myself that eating a burrito was not impossible to achieve. I had made sure that I took careful steps so that the contents did not spill out and bury my loved ones at the table. However, I also realized once I left Chipotle that others around me had been eating their burritos as if it was nothing. You know what I like to call those people? I like to call them show-offs. If I had a video of the first time they ever ate a chipotle burrito, I would probably piss my pants laughing.
And that, my loves, is how you conquer a burrito the badass way.
Hi I'm from never ending story. Imma rape pigeons
and I smoke pot, that's why I'm a Jaundice mix of a cow and 3 unicorns, with harlequin ichthyosis. It was a wild sex-party. Still don't know who the father is.
